The Amoral Man
by Bryony
Summary: Forgiveness can be a long time coming -- if, in fact, it ever comes at all.
1. I

Disclaimer: _Gundam Wing_ is not mine. This story is not for profit -- please don't sue.

_[A/N:_ Some fics just gel when you sit down to write them. This one didn't, even though it was something I really wanted to write. Revisions may happen at any time._]_

The Amoral Man

by Bryony

I

"I think you should talk to her." At Wufei's blank look Sally elaborated, "Noin. She's come back, if you recall."

"You're her friend," Wufei retorted. "_You_ talk to her."

Sally leaned back in her chair, making it squeak. The look she gave Wufei was the sort one would ordinarily reserve for an unusually dense child. He met it head on, knowing full well how much she was enjoying giving it to him. Slowly she said, "You're going to have to work with her at some point. It will be easier if you've already…made an effort to reconcile."

"What's to reconcile?" he asked through gritted teeth. "We ended up on the same side, in the end. Just like you and me."

Sally grinned then -- not a friendly smile, but a smug one -- and Wufei decided he disliked that expression even more than one she'd worn before, if that was possible. "As you say," she agreed easily and turned back to her work. "Just don't say I didn't warn you."

* * *

Wufei did not set out to follow Sally's advice, but when he visited the cafeteria just before closing time Noin was the only other person there, sitting alone at one of the long tables that stretched the length of the room. She looked up and saw him when he entered with his tray, and her eyes remained trained indiscreetly on his face, watching him go through the awkward decision of where to sit. Staring at him so, she didn't leave him much choice. He took a seat diagonal to her. She was almost finished eating anyway.

He gave her a quick once over while he set his tray down. Up close he could see that her face had thinned and paled since he'd seen her last, almost five years ago. Her lips in particular had become startlingly colorless. He did not pass comment, simply sat down to his meal, which was, in its own way, also startlingly colorless. He chewed with a faint expression of disgust.

"Wufei Chang," she said eventually, voice ringing loud in the quiet. "It's been quite a while. I see your manners still haven't improved any."

"Welcome back," he grunted, the irony dripping from his tongue like gravy.

Noin made a sound that may or may not have been meant as laughter. Wufei suspected most likely it was not. "Thank you," she said with sincerity equal to his; chagrined, Wufei thought.

"Sorry for your loss," he added, because he was here now and it seemed like the sort of silly female thing Sally would want him to say. But the tension in the room suddenly skyrocketed, and he saw he was mistaken.

Thirty seconds dragged by, then Noin suddenly pushed her chair back and stood up. "How dare you," she said, enunciating each word very clearly. "He was a good man. Better than you."

Wufei was somewhat startled by this attack, unprovoked as it was. That did not mean he was going to sit there and take it. "I don't recall saying that he wasn't," he said, adding with the slightest of sneers, "although since you mention it I _can_ think of a few character flaws…" He trailed off. Noin was almost quivering with rage. He didn't think he'd ever seen her quite like this. Under other circumstances the impotent hostility might have annoyed or amused him, but having expected to find in Noin an ally this dogged bitterness perplexed -- even concerned -- him. Unconsciously he shifted back in his seat a little, spread his hands with his palms facing towards her, a gesture of subtle surrender. He had no real quarrel with Noin, after all, and no interest at all in starting one.

She was shaking her head; she kept shaking her head until she picked up her tray and her trash and her dignity and walked unhurriedly away. He watched her go without saying a word, but she didn't have him fooled; he had seen the telltale tremble to her chin. She was going outside to cry.

It was not in Wufei's nature to leave confrontations half finished, but nor was he in the habit of putting up with unwarranted histrionics; so he hesitated a moment, torn between following after Noin to demand an explanation or staying put and finishing his meal while she cried her eyes out and then buried her feelings back where they belonged. In the end he remained seated.

He took his time over his food, but it had gotten cold and even less appetizing than when he'd started eating. It didn't take long for him to decide he'd had enough, and then he followed the same path Noin had taken out the door. And it was there that he found her.

She wasn't gone, as he'd expected her to be. Instead of locking herself in a toilet stall or finding some other female friend to share her misery with, Noin had remained bluntly in the hallway. Apparently she hadn't intended for their confrontation to end when she left the room. She was leaning against the wall when he came out, one foot propped up against it, one arm crossed beneath her breasts and the opposite hand blotting away the last of her tears. She straightened when she saw him, her foot thudding back down to the floor.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Wufei instead politely bowed his head and said formally, "Allow me to apologize for whatever I have done to offend you." Noin was obviously much more invested in her righteousness right now than he was; hopefully the quickest way to get her off his back would be simply to apologize. Feeling secure in the knowledge he had the strength of reason and a calm detachment on his side, Wufei felt he could easily grant her that.

"That's not necessary," Noin replied, so quickly she almost cut him off. Her tone remained distant and cold, and she looked past him rather than meet his eye. "I overreacted."

Apology rejected, Wufei returned to his customary bluntness and pointed out, "If you ask me, you still are," finally causing her to catch his gaze. "You might as well just tell me what your problem is."

Had Sally known about this bizarre grudge? Her earlier words about reconciliation rang in his ears, and irritation with her for leaving him purposely in the dark squirmed to life in his gut. He tried to stamp it out. Noin was about to confront him with something, and he wanted to make sure he retained the advantage when she did.

Noin shifted uneasily. She was no fool; she knew her display of emotion had done her no favors, and Wufei's calm -- even generous -- response to her bait played only in his favor. But she rallied, and after letting out a deep breath through her nose she finally faced him more squarely and said, "I question your position in the Preventers."

This shocked him. Of all the things he had expected to hear, after five years faithfully serving and protecting the peace, after being recruited by Sally Po of all people, one of Noin's few close friends, this was the last thing he'd thought might come out of her mouth. His shock betrayed him, and the word "Why?" blurted out of his mouth before he could stop it and replace the question with something more suitable.

She replied, hedging somewhat, even he could see that, "After fighting against you in the war I think I know a little better than most just what you're capable of."

He went blank. This was about his being a _Gundam pilot_? The fresh shock was almost enough to dampen the indignation igniting in his chest. Almost -- but not quite. "I fail to see your point," he said coldly, but still calmly. "Lady Une fought in the war. _Zechs Marquise_ fought in the war. Yet _I_'m the only one you question?"

Mentioning Zechs was a low blow; it caused Noin to squeeze her eyes shut and reach blindly for the wall behind her for some support; but it was apt, and Wufei was not inclined to let her forget that. "Well?" he prodded.

"Zechs left Preventers after only one mission," she reminded him, and was gracious enough not to mention that his one mission had been defeating Dekim Barton. Wufei remembered that quite clearly enough on his own and let her have that victory, despite his certainty that if Marquise had stayed Noin never would have spoken out against it. Noin continued, "Lady Une was sick during the war. You don't have that excuse."

Wufei bristled. "I don't see that I need any excuse at all. I fought for what was right. I still am!"

"What's right?" Noin sounded breathless. "What's _right_ about slaughtering people in their beds? What's _right_ about killing your enemy without giving him the chance to survive or surrender? That's _not_ what Preventers stand for!"

It was out now. The heart of her bitterness was laid bare -- but instead of pulsing with vulnerability it seemed to give Noin back the power she had lost.

"I was fifteen!" Wufei exploded. "I was fifteen!"

It was a sad, sorry, defensive little excuse, but it was all he had. And it was all Noin needed. She said with no unnecessary cruelty, "In my experience little boys don't grow out of their bad habits, they grow into worse ones."

Frustration and disbelief warred within him. It was an effort to bring himself under control, but he needed to: losing it now would only lend credence to Noin's "concerns." He said with icy courtesy, "No one here has _ever_ had reason to doubt my professionalism. I follow protocol. My records are all on file. You can check for yourself."

"Believe me, Agent -- I already have."

"Then you should know already that I'm not a threat! Who are you even worried about anyway, huh? Civilians? Warmongers? Or your little former cadets turned Preventer? I haven't gone on any frenzied killing sprees in the last five years, Noin, what makes you think I'm suddenly going to start now that _you_'ve come back?"

The tables turned again, suddenly, as realization sparked in Wufei's mind. He glared up at her, easily meeting her eyes now as he pressed on with his offensive. "This isn't about your noble concern for anybody, is it? This is just your own, personal conflict of interest. You don't have a leg to stand on with your accusations, so you're clinging to the one time I did you wrong. Funny. You never struck me as the grudge-holding type. But you just haven't forgiven me, have you?"

"I might," Noin snapped in automatic response, "if you ever showed any remorse for your actions." Her words drew Wufei up short, and she seemed to have surprised herself as well, standing with her mouth open and blinking rapidly. Anger dimmed and then slowly flickered out in both of them.

"You think me amoral," he elaborated.

"Yes," she said at last. "I do."

He almost nodded, wanted to shrug with indifference, couldn't quite do either. "Well," he just said at last, "So I am. Just like your dead lover, or whatever he was." Noin's jaw tensed reflexively at his jibe, but he overrode her. "I know what I am," he snapped. "I know what I'm capable of. You think that means I shouldn't serve an organization of peace -- well I think the opposite. I'm _here_ because the thought of what I might do elsewhere, out there…" His mouth twisted with unnecessary harshness, had to in order to force the words out. "You don't see my remorse? Well then let my fear suffice. We're each scared of the same damn thing." He looked away. Voicing the weakness inside him had been bad enough. He didn't want to chance seeing something he couldn't stomach on her face.

Noin said nothing, and Wufei knew he'd won. He still didn't look at her, but despite himself, he smiled. "Mars has improved you," he remarked, although there was no knowing if it was the red planet or what she'd lost there that actually accounted for the change. "You're less romantic. More bitter. I almost like this side of you."

"Well that makes one of us then," Noin said, and her voice came out in the harsh whisper of self loathing Wufei was more used to hearing come out of his own throat. "I have to go."

She really did leave this time, and he let her. This conversation had set her world spinning on a different axis. He'd had that happen to himself more times than was comfortable, and knew it to be a painful experience. It would take her time to recover from it. But if she was strong, she would.

And then perhaps…who knew?


	2. II

II

He barged into their office the next day and stood imperiously in front of Sally's desk until she deigned to look up at him. "Was Zechs a better man than me?" he demanded when she did. He needed reassurance from an objective source. And, although this he would not admit, a friend.

For a minute Sally stared at him blankly. Then comprehension dawned in her eyes and she began to laugh.

She began to laugh _at him_.

"You talked to Noin, didn't you?" she asked smugly.

"Answer the question," he growled.

"I'm thinking," she told him primly. He knew she was teasing him, but it still stung. Apparently she noticed this because she said more seriously, "Sit down," and pointed at his chair. It wasn't until he had obeyed her that she said, "I don't like to draw comparisons in that way. I don't think it's for me to judge who's better than another."

"Your friend has no such objections," Wufei muttered, mostly to himself.

"She's in a very vulnerable place right now," Sally jumped to her defense. "You should cut her some slack. I doubt she meant it as seriously as it might have come out."

"Actually," Wufei disputed, "I'm pretty sure she did. As I think you know full well."

Sally sighed. "Okay, fine; I admit it, guilty as charged. Noin told me about Lake Victoria. I knew she still harbored some resentment towards you. Some mistrust. I also think the fact that she's aired her grievance is for the best. These things can fester, and like you said yesterday, Wufei, if I may remind you, we're all supposed to be on the same side now. There, I've said my piece." She seemed ready to dismiss him and turn back to her work, but Wufei was not going to let her get away so easily as that.

"And what do you think?" he pressed. "Was it a mistake to hire me? Am I a danger to the people I claim to protect?"

She gave him an exasperated look. "You're going to be a danger to yourself if you go on like this for much longer," she warned. "Really. Isn't the fact that you're asking these questions answer enough? Noin…" she stopped to search for the right words to say. "Noin cared for Zechs for a long time. And now he's dead -- which, you have to admit, Wufei, affords him a certain…unassailability that you just don't have, being here to defend yourself. It's an uneven playing field. Leave it at that."

* * *

That was advice Wufei did intend to follow. Noin, however, appeared to have other ideas. Their next encounter, she sought him out. He hadn't been expecting it; but in retrospect it was clear he should have been. Noin was a mature woman and not the sort who would stand for anything to remain unresolved between them -- no more than would he.

He was running laps in the gymnasium when he noticed that she had taken a seat in the bleachers and was apparently waiting for him. When he jogged over she actually offered a tiny smile of greeting, but then her eyes slid awkwardly away. Her hands sat clasped loosely between her knees, where she glanced down at them occasionally. For the rest, she gazed blankly but fixedly at a spot far across the room from them. Her words, at least, were more direct. She said, "I've been thinking about what you said, and I'm willing to take you at your word…but first I need to know why you did it."

Wufei picked up the towel he had left lying on the seats and began wiping away the sweat cooling on his brow. He was glad she wasn't looking at him, was glad he had something with which to occupy his hands. "That's a very personal question," he said finally, his voice coming out perhaps a little more gruffly than he had intended.

"I know," she said quietly. "I'm sorry to ask it of you. But I think you know why I have to."

He acknowledged this with a slight incline of his head, but he couldn't bring himself to start speaking.

Noin filled the silence.

"What you did was wrong," she said, clearly making no effort to spare his feelings. Not that he would want her to. "And you…with all your talk of _honor_. How? How can you be so…_hypocritical_?"

It stung to hear the words. But it was nothing he hadn't asked himself. And nothing, therefore, she didn't have the right to ask herself.

"I don't have an excuse," he warned her. "I knew it was wrong when I did it."

Her hands between her knees clenched tightly into fists before she could force them to relax again. "That's pathetic," she said, her voice barely more than a strained whisper. Wufei couldn't disagree.

"I was a Gundam pilot," was all he said. "I was there to do what no one else could, or would, to defeat OZ."

Noin hung her head. Wufei was almost moved to lay his hand against her shoulder, but given the circumstances he thought better of it. He did not understand this woman, who seemed so angry and so sad at once.

"God, I pity you boys." Her voice, strained and low, did not sound pitying but outraged. "All of you. Your lives must have been so cruel to make you willing to go to such lengths." She stopped, seemed to struggle, and then finally relaxed. She looked at him, and Wufei could see in her eyes that that the ire in her voice was this time not directed at him, but was on his behalf. And the pity she professed, yes, there it was. He shifted uncomfortably and grew steadily more so as the sympathy began to leak into her voice, telling him, "You sounded so much like Zechs just then. I can see why Treize regarded you so highly." This was unfair. Where was the righteously indignant woman who had held him responsible for her pain? He'd known, at least, how to defend himself from her. But _this_, this softness, this earnestness, it did not open itself to attack, and he had to listen, defenseless, as she tried to care for him, tell him, "But you don't have to be the villain, Wufei. Not for anyone. You shouldn't."

The words speared him. He stared at her. He hadn't expected her to stab so close to home. "I know that now." He'd wanted his words to come out matter of fact; instead they just sounded foolish. Vulnerable.

Noin's eyes were still sad, but it was a different kind of sadness now -- the kind of sadness that comes from letting go of the past instead of clinging to it. "Then maybe you're finally growing up," she told him. Her gaze went inevitably back to her hands when she added, "Maybe I am too."

Unexpectedly, he found himself agreeing with her. She had accepted what he'd told her, and he was grateful for the simplicity -- the _normality_ -- of her assessment. Growing up. Was that all it was, for both of them? That was, surprisingly, the most comforting thing he'd heard in years…and from this woman, of all people. It was almost laughable. Almost.

Gratitude, the same urge to reach out for her, was still with him. He satisfied it by taking a seat on the bleacher below hers and confessing, "I thought I grew up a long time ago. But I guess…maybe not."

"It can be kind of a shock to realize how young you really are, can't it?"

She lifted her face and smiled at him, almost tenderly, and tentatively held out her hand. "Truce," she promised.

He was surprised. "You're forgiving me? Just now? Just like that?"

She nodded her head; admitted, "It's not easy…but I think it's time to let go."

And just like that he took her hand.

"I am sorry," he said, "I am." He could say this now, now that he didn't have to, now that she didn't demand it of him in order to grant him her acceptance. He had, in fact, been waiting years to be able to say this to someone, who could hear him, and who could forgive. He'd almost forgotten what a heavy burden his guilt was until this moment, when he felt the possibility that it might be lifted.

Noin squeezed his fingers, then let go. Her eyes had that far-off look to them again. "Wufei," she said, "please let me give you some advice." He waited, watching her steel herself. Finally she said, "I spent the last two years with a man who never forgave himself for the things he did. I saw what it did to him. And all I can say to you now is, please don't let that happen to you. I can't think what bigger waste there would be than another unnecessary death from a war that's over… I could tell you I forgive you a hundred thousand times, and it wouldn't matter if you don't have it in you to forgive yourself. The awful thing is, it's the one thing I haven't been able to bring myself to forgive Zechs for. Isn't that stupid? Holding it against a man for feeling guilty? But Wufei, I don't want you to make his same mistake. I want you to be okay."

"Are you trying to guilt me into forgiving myself?" he asked, incredulous, to which she smiled and brazenly said,

"Yes."

He smiled too, and felt the weight disappear, possibly only for a moment; but for that moment it was gone and he was free and it was good. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs, feeling alive. "Okay," he said.

"What about you?" he asked after that, provoking surprise and a blank stare. He hesitated to explain, but feeling that it was her due he forged ahead and said with daring, "You're aware of feeling guilty now, but don't forget, you've always looked this sad."

She tilted her head to regard him at a calculating angle and was silent for some time. "I suppose I should be flattered," she said at length, her tiny smile back in place. "You don't need to worry about me. I'll be just fine." Her hand pressed his knee in reassurance. "I always have been. Really. This day was always going to come. I knew it somewhere deep inside myself, and now it has…I just need my time to mourn is all. _You_ can understand that, can't you?"

He started to nod when the gymnasium door bumped open, and at the abrupt reminder that they were not insulated from the world Wufei was startled to his feet. The familiarity of Noin's touch fell away as if it had never been. She stood too and jumped from the bleachers to the floor, throwing her uniform jacket over her shoulders as she did so. Her eyes turned briefly back to his once she hit the ground and she offered something that was halfway between a salute and a wave. "Goodbye Agent Chang," she said with surprising finality. "I hope I'll get to work with you someday."

"You speak as if we won't be seeing each other for some time," he said in confusion. "Why is that?"

"Because we won't," Noin told him. "I put in a request when I rejoined the Preventers to be posted as far away from Brussels as would be possible. Civilization frustrates me. I leave for Tanzania in the morning. I'm going back to Lake Victoria."

He hadn't expected the bottom to drop out of his stomach at the news, but it did, leaving him reeling in shock…until she added, with a new light in her eyes that was almost humorous, "Now it's being run by Preventers I expect to find it very peaceful there."

And then he laughed, and smiled, and waved goodbye.


End file.
